Leaving Rishikesh: Heading deeper into the mystery

Boy selling flowers for Ganga puja

After two weeks I am more than ready to leave Rishikesh. I never really settled here, the opposite of what I had intended, expected and planned. I thought I would stay here until November and maybe beyond.

I was drawn here on a heart level, romanced by thoughts of Ganga Devi and the powerful Shiv-shakti resonating in the landscape. 

On a pragmatic note Rishikesh, town of seers has been the container of thousands of years of unbroken spiritual practice, undisputedly the world capital of yoga. 

A seriously devoted yogin and Indiaphile, it makes no sense that I would not find a reason to stay. Surely everything I needed was here?

And indeed I had found a great place to stay, good teachers, spiritual friendship and I was feeling very blessed indeed by the presence of Mother Ganga. I could see the beauty and depth of this amazing town in its’ ceaseless celebration of God. I have been travelling, working, studying and living abroad since the age of seventeen and know the rewards that come from committing to a place for a month or more. 

And yet, Rishikesh just didn’t feel right. I never felt really happy, relaxed or peaceful. In truth, I was confused, overwhelmed and just surviving. I gave myself two weeks time and space to adjust and observed my feelings with as much detachment as possible. 

I checked in with my friend and confidante Ruth-Anne, who was loving Rishikesh and envisioning a stay of several weeks. Tell me how you feel about this place I asked her A feeling of belonging, that I could always live here, that I have always lived here, she responded with enthusiasm and clarity. How wonderful for Ruth-Anne, and a great contrast to my experience. 

Russian Krishna devotees at Saint Seva ashram

I did everything I could to make it work. Then I realized, I didn’t want to make it work, I wanted things to flow smoothly and joyfully, surely the greatest teaching of the great river goddess herself. 

I was distressing myself and creating struggle by not accepting my feelings and wanting to know why. This question Why?  drains my emotional energy pretty fast. The trick is to unhook one's mind from the situation, to simply let go.

I chose to surrender the situation to my higher self.  I would  trust my feelings that Rishikesh wasn't right for me and prepare to leave. A new direction would reveal itself.  I would receive guidance from within, a hunch, an urge, a feeling, a synchronicity, an intuition.  Until then, I would have rest in uncertainty, not knowing and give space to the situation.

 

Contemporary spiritual teacher Andrew Cohen supports and clarifies this point of view, The directly felt and seen dimension is always going to be moving faster than your understanding of it* This idea is a great comfort, that the higher self is one step ahead and the physical mind travels at slower speeds.

Spiritual shopping galore!

My time in Rishikesh has been of benefit and I can say that I have enjoyed it and was glad I came.  Rishikesh was somewhere I had to come and experience for myself.  

I wondered how it would have been to visit twenty or thirty years ago, stripping away layers of modernization: the noisy jeeps, the innumerable gift shops, the sheer number of visitors that made the place so intense and overwhelming. 

At some point, Rishikesh would have been a calm spiritual haven: ashrams, riverbank, mountains and sky. The ideal environment for spiritual seekers. 

But the moment is always now, I can’t turn back time. Or wish for things to be other than they are. All I can do is accept what is and move forward with gratitude for what I have known here and move ahead with an attitude of optimism.

So what to do next and where to go?

I could head south, but I had a feeling that there was somewhere else in North India for me. I considered moving further up the Ganga, towards the source. Uttarkashi and Gangotri were the obvious choices. Once again, my intuition said No. I needed a complete change, a contrast from the exuberant chaos of Indian pilgrim towns. I was looking for nature, tranquility, a peaceful haven and spiritual community.

Pilgrims gather at Swarg ashram

In a flash, the answer came: Dharmashala , the seat of his holiness the Dalai Lama, spiritual leader of exiled Tibetan Buddhists. 

Amazingly, there was a direct train connection from Rishikesh, it would be a day’s journey, relatively short for India. I felt the inner uplift of excitement and arranged my ticket this morning. 

I’ve already had a bit of decision backlash, doubts and fears surfacing, beginning to persecute me:

What if I am making a mistake? Dharmashala will be crowded, noisy and dirty. I am a yogi, not a Buddhist! It will be a waste of time, money and energy.  

With practice, I am able to allow such fearful thoughts to come and go, arise and dissipate. I choose to believe that I am going to have a positive experience and wrote the following affirmations in my journal:

I am going with the flow of life

I am being brave

I am stretching and growing

I am prepared to be surprised and delighted

Only good lies before me (Louise Hay)

I am ready for this new experience

I am following inner guidance

I can’t get it wrong!

Adventure awaits!

Namaste

Jennifer

*Ken Wilber and Andrew Cohen, Guru and the Pandit, Live in Denver