Staying present, facing difficult feelings

Sharing, vision, community - Auroville

The plan was not going to plan. It was time to leave Dharamkot/Dharmashala and I was all set to travel to Auroville. I felt excited and uplifted as I contemplated the change.

Researching trains and buses and so on and reminiscing about my first stay back in 2005. I knew that it was monsoon season in Tamil Nadu and to begin with this didn't bother me.

My intention in revisiting Auroville was to take in as much community living as I could and explore in ways that weren't possible the first time, when I was fully absorbed with daily ashtanga vinyasa yoga sessions.

I envisaged myself cycling on the red dirt roads, visiting magically named communities such as Spirulina Farm, Buddha Garden, Creativite, Sadhana Forest. I was keen to volunteer at the Pour Tous food co-operative, to swim in la Piscine, to sing bhajans in the warm evenings under broad leaved banana trees. I was in love with my vision!

However the more research I did, the more I had to acknowledge and accept that if I did travel to Auroville during November, I was likely to be rained on -  a lot. I had to be very honest with myself and admit that while a day or two of rainy weather is an enjoyable contrast, the prospect of heavy rain most days, damp clothes and bedding and waiting inside for most of the day was just not going to work for me. There could be thunderstorms, strong winds and last year a cyclone. I just didn't want to chance it.

Monsoon in Pondicherry

So I let go of the plan. What was I going to do? Where was I going to go?

Rishikesh hadn't worked out, it was turning cold in the north, it was too early to head to the beach, I wanted to do something more purposeful and engaged. I was deeply, deeply stuck.

I found myself walking around McLeod, browsing the shops and wandering aimlessly. That afternoon I hiked around the surrounding hills until my legs ached. Finally, for dinner I ordered a huge thali with extras, far more than my body needed.

I had enough self-awareness to know that I was trying to avoid or escape myself. Distracting myself with activity and sedating myself with food in an attempt to hold feelings down. It was an old coping mechanism that had served me well throughout most of my life, but it doesnt really work anymore.

Back in my room at the guesthouse, finally alone with myself there was no escape. A powerful surge of emotion erupted from within, much like a volcano. Hot repressed content, buried deep now discharging itself with dramatic force.

It's all too much. This trip, it's too hard. I can't keep going. I can't manage on my own. All these decisions - it's too tiring. I've had enough, I want to go home...

Intense suffering

I sobbed and sobbed for well over an hour. Out of tissues, I covered my teary face with a washcloth.

I was frightened by the intensity of the experience, waves and waves of strong feeling were being released. As though I had accessed some primal terror, every cell of my being was expressing fear.

I wondered whether I needed to call a doctor or get some kind of help, I felt so out of control. Distressed, lonely and anxious, I eventually surrendered to sleep.

The following morning,  I awoke with a fuzzy head and gingerly opened my eyes. I was still alive. The dawn had arrived in rosy splendour and the birds were singing in the new day.   Emotionally I felt sore and vulnerable, as though I was recovering from a surgery. I knew I would have to be super sensitive and kind to myself.

The intense, scary, fearful feelings were no longer present, in their place a kind of tender self-love. It was a great relief. I acknowledged myself for what I had undergone: an emotional catharsis. I was proud of myself and thankful that no matter how disturbing and frightening, I had stayed present with myself and allowed strong feelings to come up and be released. It was some kind of breakthrough, a victory of sorts.

Gently I took myself into McLeod for my regular breakfast in Gyaki, a Tibetan cafe. I was pleased to be greeted by Olga, lively and attractive young french-portugese who had just completed Vipassana meditation retreat. We chatted most mornings over large bowlfuls of fruit and curd and chunks of cakey tibetan bread.

I risked being real and told her about my upset and anxiety and lack of direction. Olga listened attentively with warmth and understanding. I felt validated by her compassionate presence and it was a  reminder that it is safe to express myself and receive emotional support, even though I was very vulnerable. She gave me great advice, which I followed: 

It takes time and now you have been very upset so it will take a few days to become calm and clear. Let this settle, wait with it. There is no rush to go anywhere, it will all happen in good time.

After a day or two of giving space to myself and treating myself with as much love, nurture and kindness as possible, the new direction revealed itself.  A small bhakti ashram in north Kerala. Yes!  It felt right. I spent that day in a state of conscious gratitude, Thank you Thank you Thank you my continuous prayer to the Universe.

Feeling our feelings, why should it be such a drama? Early on my spiritual journey I dedicated a year to an intensive psycho-dynamic psychotherapy.  My skilled and patient therapist helped me to explore my early childhood and upbringing and we identified early on that my parents disapproved of strong emotion and that to survive, I shut down the feeling part of myself. Feelings were bad as they led to parental withdrawal, which to an infant is a survival issue.

As an adult, reclaiming this hidden part of myself feels like a gift, I want to live as a whole person, experiencing challenging, darker feelings as well as the joyful and ecstatic. I am living on the edge of myself and stretching into more of myself. It requires courage but the rewards are beyond measure: reunion with the true self and emotional freedom.

Blessings of wholeness

Jennifer

www.auroville.org

Being the change: radical honesty, surrender and kindness

Honouring the path of growth

The path to the authentic self is sometimes smooth and peaceful: I am well established in daily practices that support my health, well being and growth. I mostly cruise along with ease and calm.

At other times, some greater force is clearly in charge and nothing goes to plan. As though my life is contained in a shoebox that is being shaken roughly by the Gods and higher spirit beings. Everything is disturbed and dislocated and nothing can be relied upon.

Today has been one of those days. It began yesterday and was seeded a long way back. We are mid festival season and my beautiful and much loved hand painted caravan has been parked on the drive since the end of May. Festivals have come and gone and I have stayed home, save a brief away day mission to the Glastonbury site.

I had been planning to attend Buddhafield, my favourite event. Yesterday, during preparations, I noticed that I was feeling tired and headachy. I was also questioning whether I did want to go to the festival. I was to be holding a singing circle, a change from my usual full time work as a healer. I would have a lot of free time and wondered whether I was resisting the change, from fear.

Super exhausted I went to bed at 8pm, and requested dream guidance. Following a deeply nourishing twelve hour sleep I awoke feeling decidedly unwell. I had dreamed of climbing a high vertical bank of soft sand which was subsiding under my feet. Interpretation: overambition leading to a lack of success. A pretty clear message.

It felt like no small coincidence that I had spent time with two friends in recent days who had both burned themselves out at festivals  They were both sick, fluey and lacking in energy. What better mirror could I have?

And yet, some part of me wanted to persevere, to battle on. I have a history of overextending myself, overachieving and burnout and this part of my psyche is always pushing me to reach beyond my limits. And so, I set about collecting water from the White Spring and composing a grocery list, as though the festival was still an achievable reality. I was in denial. And at the same time, feelings started to grow stronger, from within. An inner knowing: I needed to stay home and rest and maintain my daily practices.

A flat tyre is a potent symbol

I felt ill, lousy and returning  home I could see that my caravan had a flat tyre. Another message from spirit. I could have forced the situation forwards: taken medication, got the tyre re-inflated, packed up the caravan and gone to the festival....

And then what? Get really sick and take weeks to recover? This was not even an option. As I absorbed the reality that I was going nowhere, strong feelings erupted from within. Sobs and sobs of tears: and powerful waves of emotion: I was upset, angry, frustrated.

Loss and disappointment were overwhelming: the situation was cruel and unfair. I felt frightened by my perceived lack of resilience; that I was functioning less and less in the outside world. I wanted to be expansive, playful and connected: to be having fun times with friends in summer fields, to meet new people and to be uplifted. Instead I was stuck at home, unwell with a very small range of movement. How could this be happening to me?

In the microcosm of this very small and highly personal experience the macrocosm is reflected. There is an epidemic of stress, struggle and burnout on so many levels in Western society.

The consequences of an imbalanced attitude characterised by imposing outcomes, ignoring limits and overriding signs of stress, unchecked expansion, unsustainable growth, controlling, depleting resources, arrogance and linear thinking. All attributes I once embodied and lived and promoted! The path to my harmony is to integrate softer gentler qualities and spiritual values:

I was able to find peace through giving myself credit for:

♥  Bringing full awareness and radical honesty to the situation and respecting the full truth.

 ♥ Staying present with myself ; allowing and accepting a full flow of uncomfortable feelings: Risking being real.

 ♥  Honouring guidance from feeling, intuition, dreams, bodily symptoms and outer synchronicities.

♥  Trusting that some greater good would come, even though I might not see it now: humility and surrender.

♥  Prioritising self-care, kindness and gentleness. 

♥ Acknowledging my courage, vulnerability and authenticity.

♥ Appreciating and celebrating that I am able to transform an unhealthy and deeply entrenched pattern.

This is proving to be a summer of tremendous personal change and growth for me; how is it for you? I welcome all comments and feedback.

May we all become our most authentic, peaceful and healthy selves!

Jennifer

Boundaries, over-listening and energy management

Do you over listen to others?

What you have here is a drop system, began the plumber, tapping the pipes below the boiler. I could feel a lecture coming on. As he paused to take a deep inbreath,  I interjected swiftly, politely and definitely: I'm afraid you've already lost me.

He got the message and looked hurt. It was clear that he really wanted to explain the system to me. However I had neither the time nor motivation to listen. Most importantly I have found that overlistening exhausts me emotionally and energetically. Today as well as emptying the radiators, this innocent looking middle aged man could easily end up draining me, if I allow it.

Not only do I suffer in the present moment; overtime this pattern depletes physical health and wellbeing and ultimately contributes to weakened immunity, disconnection from the true self, chronic fatigue and burnout. I have worked on myself for a number of years to restore health and aliveness and refuse to compromise my wellbeing: I am too important!

The cues are always present if we are willing to listen.  
Signs that I am about to be drained emotionally/energetically:

My joy falls away
I get a contraction in my solar plexus
My head starts to feel heavy and dull
I feel anxious and panicky, wanting to escape

If I don't act to protect myself, in addition to above I may experience:

Headaches
Loss of physical energy and vitality
Disturbed sleep: difficulty falling asleep, early wakefulness
Dreams of being invaded in some way, home break-in or being aggressively pursued
Not feeling refreshed by sleep, physical dullness and fatigue

In her recently published work Emotional Freedom, Californian energy psychiatrist Dr Judith Orloff describes four types of energy vampires, archetypal personalities we may encounter. It is a useful read, and I recommend it. I also feel that the term vampire while explicit and immediate construes a sense of helplessness and passivity, victimhood. Undesirable.

My recovery has come from an attitude of empowerment and taking personal responsibility, without blaming or judging others.(Including myself!)

Time spent in nature heals and restores

Practical steps to restore energy.

Walk in nature; take in fresh air and unseen natural forces, breathe deeply!

Bathe to cleanse the physical body. Ideally wild water such as a natural spring, river or the ocean.

Burn incense or natural resins to purify your environment, open windows and doors to release stagnant energy.

Listen to and repeat a prayer, mantra or healing affirmation to clear your aura and calm the mind.

Visualise and reconnect to the feeling of light mood and limitless energy, remember a time when you felt this way.

Back to today's story. I quietly exited the kitchen, leaving the plumber to continue his work. I virtually skipped across the garden, a sense of  celebration and jubilation filling me from within. Sensations of  happiness and wellness, the inner being responding to self-love. The fruits of self-care, so sweet and precious and plenty of energy left to spend as I choose.

Fear and freedom at the dentist

I descended Glastonbury High St at great speed on my bicycle, heart pumping and mind racing. En route to the dentist; I was late. A brief doorstop chat with my neighbour on the way out; he noticed my earbuds. Blocking out the drill? He chuckled.

My first time with this dentist I held myself rigid in the treatment chair, internally bemoaning the sparse interior. Plain white walls; no photos or distractions. Gagh! In reception afterwards I bumped into a yoga student and her partner. It was his first trip to and he was wringing his hands and scanning the room like a hunted prey, Is it ok what's he like? He babbled and gulped.

A moment of insight emerged, I trust my dentist and more importantly I trust myself that I have chosen a good dentist. I trust the universe. I trust everything!  I dont know that the poor guy was able to take this on, but I was pleased with my shift of awareness.

Like most people, I have a chronology of dentists and dental treatments and can vividly recall the emotional states that accompanied them. Dentistry is by its nature invasive, we are making ourselves physically vulnerable, opening a soft tender spot where very few are invited. We may be in pain or distress and the medical surroundings and scary technologies compound anxieties.

As a young child, my mother arranged with our family dentist that we would receive toys after check-up. Nice try. Then as a pre-teen I spent two years in orthodontic braces, then a private treatment requiring monthly visits to the city; my treats were a visit to Miss Selfridge and afternoon tea in Debenhams cafe.

By far my best experience of dentistry took place in India. A yoga purist, devoted to the point of obsession with astanga vinyasa; there was only one place to study: Mysore in South India. A long term resident on a six month visa I had the time to face the neglected state of my teeth, unattended to during my twenties. I took a  recommendation from a glossy haired american with a perfect smile.

Thence begun several sessions of treatment; root canal, crown work, cleaning and filling. Nothing less than a restoration project. I have never felt so relaxed or at ease in the chair. The paradoxes of India, confusing and beautiful were everywhere: a hand sewn cotton surgical mask contrasted with a certificate proclaiming  proficiency in titanium implants, an assistant in Nikes recording my details in a Victorian style ledger.

Most touchingly, during check-up, Raj had asked me my preferred music. The Beatles. So as treatment took place I was soothed by the Long and Winding Road and other favourites, played on mono cassette, exquisite!

Back to the present moment. No, I wont be wearing earbuds. In my new found freedom of staying present and alert and welcoming all experience, I want all senses to be fully alive. I have found it helps to breath deeply and affirm silently to myself: I trust myself, I am taking really good care of myself, Everything flows effortlessly. If anxiety escalates I reach for a pleasant memory, singing on the beach with friends at sunset works like a charm. These techniques have enabled me to have three small fillings without anaesthetic; not because I like pain particularly, I choose to avoid medication.

Today I fluffed the timings, arrived late and we had to reschedule. In the past I would have spiralled into self-blame and criticism. Now I know differently. Hmm so what''s happening here? Self-sabotage? No I dont like the sound of that label. An act of self-love from the sub-conscious, a dry run, a necessary step between booking the appointment and actually taking treatment. I love that my sub-conscious is taking care of me!

Here's to clean, strong and healthy teeth and positive outcomes at the dentist for all!

Kitchen karma: releasing criticism

Sink side santosa

Emotional breakthroughs can happen at any place; any time. We may retreat to pristine natural environments and spiritual centres to create the conditions for expanded awareness; yet it is in day to day living that the evidence of progress shows up.

I have been struggling for a while with a couple of kitchen appliances. My landlady recently replaced my electric hob, the new model is woefully slow; seventeen minutes to boil a pan of water! During cooking, the heat will shut down and restart. It has been truly challenging. Many hunger fuelled epidsodes of frustration ensued: typically I would berrate the hob, criticise my landlady and blame myself.

Until yesterday. A half cooked omelette lay limply in a pan, as the hob clicked and thrummed feebly. My chest tightened in upset... and then I exhaled:  I didn't go there.  I had the following thoughts: Ah well, this is taking a long time. Its not the cooker's fault, it is doing its best. I had skirted negativity and found myself spontaneously expressing appreciation, which is a positive place to be.

This morning I was preparing my daily green juice. As I introduced a slice of fennel, the end shot off spraying the kitchen with green goo. Uh - oh another part  a needs replacing  Annoyance started to rise within as I mentally calculated the money spent on parts. Useless juicer, I'm always buying new parts. What a waste of money.

And then the shift again; it occurred to me that my juicer had served me well over a number of years. That replacement parts were available, reasonably priced and that I should be thanking my machine for the pretty reliable service in providing me with delicious, nutritious juices. Bingo!

It feels great to witness and acknowledge this new set of responses: the fruits of continuous practice. Listening to my teachers, reflecting on personal experience and actively cultivating positivity through mantra, affirmation and mindfulness.

Kindness is now my default setting, criticism does not belong.  I have opened a space of love and compassion for myself, reflected in my reactions and attitudes to life's daily challenges. Being in a good feeling space will influence what shows up in my life, positively affecting the circumstances and events I attract. Living from the heart feels good.

Affirmations:

I see the best in myself and in others

I appreciate myself

I am loving, kind and compassionate

I recognise my value and worth

I am a good person
May all beings dwell in the heart

Staying in the calm zone: a moment by moment practice

As a mountain lake, I am deep and serene

This morning, I treated myself to a bouquet of yellow lillies; I imagined them bouncing, nodding and illuminating my room with a sunny glow.

Unwrapping them, I  noticed that a few of the heads had fallen off. Ah well, that's ok, no big deal Wow! So proud of my effortless equanimity. Then it became clear that I had decipatiated most of the precious blooms and as I arranged the largely bare and stunted stems, my heart plummeted.

The hounds of negativity began to gather at my door, yet I remained calm and loving. Wow again. In past times, before the inner work I would have besieged myself with self-destructive thoughts such as: Look what you've done, this is your fault, you were carrying far too much too much, should have paid more attention, what a waste of money, who do you think you are buying flowers for yourself?

I did allow myself to feel disappointment. Emotional freedom is not about denying or suppressing, pretending that things dont exist; that creates damage. There is an honouring, a welcoming of all feeling. The trick is to observe difficult emotions and let them pass. The harm comes through holding on, dwelling in the difficult emotion, identifying with it, tethering it to ones reality. One up to me!

Round two: the phone rang.  I recently cancelled an insurance policy and the company called to check my status, even though I had sent in a written declaration. I begun to fume inwardly and while I replied politely to the agent I was thinking, This is so vexing! What a waste of my time! How dare you call so pointlessly and intrude on my day? Again, awareness was present, so mercifully I allowed myself to feel the frustration and to let it flow out.  A return to calm.

The teachings of Eckhart Tolle have been massively helpful in this regard. I have absorbed hours of content and appear to have saturated myself to the extent of now hearing the master in my ear; Be the ever vigilent guardian of your inner space. I was pleased when Louise Hay joined us, soothing and affirming, Deep within the center of my being is a mountain lake, deep and serene  I win again!

I finally cracked this afternoon when I cycled through the rain to meet a yoga client who, due to mutual misunderstanding, was not home. I had gotten wet earlier that day and had rushed lunch to get to the session. This was too much! I took myself home and let the feelings flow, sobbing freely and releasing the tension of the day.

This was also ok, I am learning a new way of relating to myself.  Maintaining calm is a moment to moment practice; a series of gentle micro course corrections, removing oneself from stress and negativity, letting go and re-establishing a mood of loving kindness. It is not about being perfectly calm in every moment; after all every lake experiences turbulence and even mountains suffer avalanches. There will always be bumps in the road!

The core issue is cultivating a steady centre, a new identity  based on self-love and compassion, a safe and secure inner place to return to, no matter what shows up. The more I am able to cope with low level challenges and remain whole, the more I will be able to live a full and amazing life. If I can handle whatever comes my way then there really are no limits...

Authentic decision making

Earlier this week, a potent cocktail of dread, guilt, and confusion surfaced with the realisation that I did not want go to a gathering where I had been booked to teach yoga. The suggestion not to go was emanating from the part of me I increasingly prefer to rely on for direction: my intuition, inner being, higher self, source energy.

Intuition often manifests viscerally, seemingly from within the body, a tug, a sensing of 'yes' or 'no'.  I am learning to respect and  follow this subtle voice, for too long ignored, misunderstood, undervalued and overridden.

The intuition was accompanied by an old, familiar emotional reaction as my mind set out the reasons why I should attend the gathering. I must  honour my commitment to the organisers and the event,  I am a good teacher and my skills would enhance the event, the other yoga teachers would be overstretched, I was withdrawing late and clumsily, it was unprofessional, I would miss out on making new connections, so many of my friends and community would be there, how could I not go? Unthinkable.

In psychotherapy this voice is named critical parent. If as young children we received critical parenting we will likely absorb and reconstitute the voice within. My critical parent minimises my achievements, downplays my need for creativity, play and relaxation.

I fell into a purgatory of self-doubt and guilt creating a miserable state of decision paralysis lasting two days and nights. I lost sleep and became acutely aware of the damage I was inflicting on myself  through perpetuating an emotional inner conflict and a physical stress response. I further increased my misery by self-serving up hefty portions of self-blame and judgement, the critical parent again.

Resolution came when I was, at last, able to step outside the jumble of emotions and reactions. Finding space around the issue was a great relief. I was able to see the shape of what I had created: an inner battle of control mind versus intuition; critical parent versus nurturing parent; self-care versus self-abandonment. Having committed myself to the practice of integrating and honouring my higher self it was an easy decision, once the drama had fallen away there was no choice.  I was staying home.

As a reforming people pleaser it can feel strange to choose myself over others.  This newness has in the past tempted me to conclude that I have a mistake, what is this strange feeling? Pretty quickly I received an inner validation, sensations of joy, relaxation and happiness filled my being. It was a precious, holy moment as I understood that my inner being was acknowledging and thanking me for the work I was doing. I entered a beautiful state of grace and basked in it.

The weekend is unfolding into a glorious mini-retreat, 100% me time, a gift from myself, to myself. I am enjoying relaxed easy days, looking after myself really well and leaving my time as unstructured as possible.

When we empower ourselves to make changes in the way we take decisions, we realign with a deeper authenticity, our true self, enhancing our personal integrity, rediscovering our wholeness.

Suggested affirmations:

I trust myself and I take decisions with ease.

I follow my inner guidance. 

I am loved and supported by life and the universe. 

Spring clean your life, holistically!

With the days lengthening and warming, we can finally shrug goodbye to winter. For most this is an opportunity to shed heaviness and welcome in a lighter version, whether that be clothing, linens, food and drink.

From a holistic perspective we might look beyond the physical and declutter on all levels. Nonetheless we live in a material world and this is a good place to start. Be easy about it, start small with a kitchen drawer or your cosmetics bag. I've just culled my sock collection and I'm excited about the lovely space I have created. This sense of achievement will spur you ever onward!

On the emotional level, write a list of behaviours or attitudes that you would like to leave behind, such as self-blame or criticism of others. Choose just one and create an affirmation to counter your negative thinking, such as I forgive myself always, I allow others to be fully themselves. Pin your affirmation somewhere visible at home and leave it to percolate into your subconscious over the month.

Spiritually, create space by allowing time every day for personal practice, I suggest 10 minutes in the morning or evening to sit quietly with yourself and observe your state of being.