Authentic decision making

Earlier this week, a potent cocktail of dread, guilt, and confusion surfaced with the realisation that I did not want go to a gathering where I had been booked to teach yoga. The suggestion not to go was emanating from the part of me I increasingly prefer to rely on for direction: my intuition, inner being, higher self, source energy.

Intuition often manifests viscerally, seemingly from within the body, a tug, a sensing of 'yes' or 'no'.  I am learning to respect and  follow this subtle voice, for too long ignored, misunderstood, undervalued and overridden.

The intuition was accompanied by an old, familiar emotional reaction as my mind set out the reasons why I should attend the gathering. I must  honour my commitment to the organisers and the event,  I am a good teacher and my skills would enhance the event, the other yoga teachers would be overstretched, I was withdrawing late and clumsily, it was unprofessional, I would miss out on making new connections, so many of my friends and community would be there, how could I not go? Unthinkable.

In psychotherapy this voice is named critical parent. If as young children we received critical parenting we will likely absorb and reconstitute the voice within. My critical parent minimises my achievements, downplays my need for creativity, play and relaxation.

I fell into a purgatory of self-doubt and guilt creating a miserable state of decision paralysis lasting two days and nights. I lost sleep and became acutely aware of the damage I was inflicting on myself  through perpetuating an emotional inner conflict and a physical stress response. I further increased my misery by self-serving up hefty portions of self-blame and judgement, the critical parent again.

Resolution came when I was, at last, able to step outside the jumble of emotions and reactions. Finding space around the issue was a great relief. I was able to see the shape of what I had created: an inner battle of control mind versus intuition; critical parent versus nurturing parent; self-care versus self-abandonment. Having committed myself to the practice of integrating and honouring my higher self it was an easy decision, once the drama had fallen away there was no choice.  I was staying home.

As a reforming people pleaser it can feel strange to choose myself over others.  This newness has in the past tempted me to conclude that I have a mistake, what is this strange feeling? Pretty quickly I received an inner validation, sensations of joy, relaxation and happiness filled my being. It was a precious, holy moment as I understood that my inner being was acknowledging and thanking me for the work I was doing. I entered a beautiful state of grace and basked in it.

The weekend is unfolding into a glorious mini-retreat, 100% me time, a gift from myself, to myself. I am enjoying relaxed easy days, looking after myself really well and leaving my time as unstructured as possible.

When we empower ourselves to make changes in the way we take decisions, we realign with a deeper authenticity, our true self, enhancing our personal integrity, rediscovering our wholeness.

Suggested affirmations:

I trust myself and I take decisions with ease.

I follow my inner guidance. 

I am loved and supported by life and the universe.