Being the change: radical honesty, surrender and kindness

Honouring the path of growth

The path to the authentic self is sometimes smooth and peaceful: I am well established in daily practices that support my health, well being and growth. I mostly cruise along with ease and calm.

At other times, some greater force is clearly in charge and nothing goes to plan. As though my life is contained in a shoebox that is being shaken roughly by the Gods and higher spirit beings. Everything is disturbed and dislocated and nothing can be relied upon.

Today has been one of those days. It began yesterday and was seeded a long way back. We are mid festival season and my beautiful and much loved hand painted caravan has been parked on the drive since the end of May. Festivals have come and gone and I have stayed home, save a brief away day mission to the Glastonbury site.

I had been planning to attend Buddhafield, my favourite event. Yesterday, during preparations, I noticed that I was feeling tired and headachy. I was also questioning whether I did want to go to the festival. I was to be holding a singing circle, a change from my usual full time work as a healer. I would have a lot of free time and wondered whether I was resisting the change, from fear.

Super exhausted I went to bed at 8pm, and requested dream guidance. Following a deeply nourishing twelve hour sleep I awoke feeling decidedly unwell. I had dreamed of climbing a high vertical bank of soft sand which was subsiding under my feet. Interpretation: overambition leading to a lack of success. A pretty clear message.

It felt like no small coincidence that I had spent time with two friends in recent days who had both burned themselves out at festivals  They were both sick, fluey and lacking in energy. What better mirror could I have?

And yet, some part of me wanted to persevere, to battle on. I have a history of overextending myself, overachieving and burnout and this part of my psyche is always pushing me to reach beyond my limits. And so, I set about collecting water from the White Spring and composing a grocery list, as though the festival was still an achievable reality. I was in denial. And at the same time, feelings started to grow stronger, from within. An inner knowing: I needed to stay home and rest and maintain my daily practices.

A flat tyre is a potent symbol

I felt ill, lousy and returning  home I could see that my caravan had a flat tyre. Another message from spirit. I could have forced the situation forwards: taken medication, got the tyre re-inflated, packed up the caravan and gone to the festival....

And then what? Get really sick and take weeks to recover? This was not even an option. As I absorbed the reality that I was going nowhere, strong feelings erupted from within. Sobs and sobs of tears: and powerful waves of emotion: I was upset, angry, frustrated.

Loss and disappointment were overwhelming: the situation was cruel and unfair. I felt frightened by my perceived lack of resilience; that I was functioning less and less in the outside world. I wanted to be expansive, playful and connected: to be having fun times with friends in summer fields, to meet new people and to be uplifted. Instead I was stuck at home, unwell with a very small range of movement. How could this be happening to me?

In the microcosm of this very small and highly personal experience the macrocosm is reflected. There is an epidemic of stress, struggle and burnout on so many levels in Western society.

The consequences of an imbalanced attitude characterised by imposing outcomes, ignoring limits and overriding signs of stress, unchecked expansion, unsustainable growth, controlling, depleting resources, arrogance and linear thinking. All attributes I once embodied and lived and promoted! The path to my harmony is to integrate softer gentler qualities and spiritual values:

I was able to find peace through giving myself credit for:

♥  Bringing full awareness and radical honesty to the situation and respecting the full truth.

 ♥ Staying present with myself ; allowing and accepting a full flow of uncomfortable feelings: Risking being real.

 ♥  Honouring guidance from feeling, intuition, dreams, bodily symptoms and outer synchronicities.

♥  Trusting that some greater good would come, even though I might not see it now: humility and surrender.

♥  Prioritising self-care, kindness and gentleness. 

♥ Acknowledging my courage, vulnerability and authenticity.

♥ Appreciating and celebrating that I am able to transform an unhealthy and deeply entrenched pattern.

This is proving to be a summer of tremendous personal change and growth for me; how is it for you? I welcome all comments and feedback.

May we all become our most authentic, peaceful and healthy selves!

Jennifer